It's ok, I am here.

On the eve of Christmas, I started to stain and that's when I knew that something was wrong. Call it a woman's instinct or whatever, something within me just told me that something is wrong. I read extensively over the internet about staining during pregnancy. There were always 2 different sides to things said.

2 days went by and by 26th night, I was worried sick. I made an emergency call to my gynae and she wasn't around in Singapore. Diverted to another her replacement gynae and was so comforted by her voice. She got me to drink something hot and sweet like Milo and also to make an appointment at her clinic the next day. She also advised me to rest really well.

Rest. Rest was probably the one thing I did not have at all. I lay on my bed wide awake, tossing and turning, wondering when will night turn to day. 8 hours seemed like forever. I was so extremely tired. I tossed & turned & tossed & turn. Finally, I made a trip to the toilet and when brown turned red, I knew that it was a miscarriage. Cried my heart out together with Geo, cried till I got myself to sleep... with a request to Geo to turn on some music.

When the clock strike 9:30am, I immediately called the clinic and made the earliest appointment. I was once again comforted by the soothing and very concerned voice of the nurse who picked up my call.

Skipping the details, gynae broke the unfortunate news and sent me to NUH for a second opinion. NUH confirmed the gynae's diagnosis and sent me back to the gynae for my next step of action. At the gynae, I was advised to go through the D&C (aka the Wash which I found out later it's called Dilation & Curettage). For the 2nd time in my life, I went through a general anesthesia. The next thing I knew, Geo was downstairs to pick me up in a cab. I just slept right through the next few hours.

Emotions. I guess like to any other women who have gone through this, the baby is as real as it gets though it's only probably about 6 weeks. It is so real that during the 6 weeks, Geo & I talked about his or her name. We talked about where to put the cot. We talk about what should we do as parents.

It was painful. As much as I know that nothing can be done to stop it, as much as I understand the scientific or logical reasoning that the gynae had shared, it doesn't stop me from feeling the pain of the loss of a child. As I sat at the gynae's the day the news was given to me, I looked around and there sat women who were heavily pregnant or they came out of the gynae's office smiling from ear to ear. And there was I, grumpy, forlorn, saddened.

So many questions ran through my mind. Recovery was quick, I would say. Thankfully, I had booked a 3D2N hotel stay in Singapore to celebrate Geo's birthday. That hotel stay became a timely place for us to just rest and spend time together alone. As if it was all divinely plan, we had initially already set the 2nd day at the hotel to be a spiritual retreat.

Spent about half the day just reading & worshiping God. To be honest, there were no answers as to why the miscarriage took place. There isn't even a specific scientific and logical answer to the miscarriage from the doctor. However, the one thing that I took back from the retreat was that God knows my pain, our pain, our loss. I was comforted by the reminder of the famous Footprints and in that picture, I saw that Jesus was not carrying just one of us on his back. He was carrying both Geo and myself, one on His right and one on His left.

I believe that questions will definitely still continue to ring in my mind. I believe that sadness will linger around a little while longer. However, I am comforted and will take heart that "It's ok.. I am here", says the Lord.